so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
