I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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