Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
