Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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