quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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