I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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