How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
