any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
