I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
