People in love make me want to vomit
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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