everyone is single if you try hard enough
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
