I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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