My Higher Power is John Stamos
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
