you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
