There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
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