at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
