Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize