I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
