I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize