i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
a search helicopter?!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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