On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
