All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
