You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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