Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
