i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
