Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
