barbara walters just said penis...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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