I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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