would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize