I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
