Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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