if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
