You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
