You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
