If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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