He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
