college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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