It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
