I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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