i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
