Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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