So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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