The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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