There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
