I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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