There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
