Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
