Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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