This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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