Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
