hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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