bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
