so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
