Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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