last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No subtext here. People are naked.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
