So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
