He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
