i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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