Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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