the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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