I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
